This is bad. Please help with advice.

My husband and I have had some rough years due to an ex wife constantly interfering with our marriage. Through the years I have told him to stand up to her or divorce would be near. It was becoming unbareable to handle. Marriage counseling was suggested but my husband let that slide. Apprx. 3 weeks ago I had asked him if he was able to line anything up to help the marriage. He replied that he didn't feel the need because he felt everything was back on track. I left it at that thinking everything was ok. A couple of weeks ago I planed on taking time off work with him to plan a trip. We both requested time off, listed for flights and booked a room. This morning we were supposed to take off and as excited as I was to finally go some place with him to have some bonding time he threw in my face all the times I wanted a divorce and he wasn't wanting to make the marriage work anymore. So I've requested time off work, booked a room and flight and we are going no where other than divorce court now it seems. I'm crushed and my heart is totally broken. I was hoping we could get away and finally have some bonding time together since in the 11 years we've been together we never went anywhere alone. Now he wants a divorce. How does one cope with this. Is this unfair for him to pull this on me the day we are supposed to fly out??? Would you tolerate something like this??? I feel used and abused. For years I was put on the back burner. The ex came first with all of her demands. His kids always came first too. I never complained nor did I have a problem with it until this morning when he bailed out of our vacation. I've always been the one that held the house together and paid a good majority of the bills. Why then should I be concidered the bad person? That's what he's making me out to be because he tells me I've threatened with divorce so often. I wanted marriage counceling but he denied that so what else was I supposed to do to whip things into shape. This is so unfair to me to have to be going through this. Please give me advice. This is bad. Please help with advice.
What DOES he do for you? It sounds like he only brings you negative drama and doesn't contribute anything good to your life. You should really consider if this is true and if it is then you have to be strong and find a way to end this toxic relationship. If there are enough good things that he does contribute, then you should examine the way you treat him and ask yourself if maybe you're being to naggy and negative toward him and putting him in a position in which he'll never make you happy. But it doesn't really sound that way from what you wrote, and so if he truly does not contribute to the relationship and if he refuses to change himself or improve your relationship, then you are forced to accept that and remove yourself. Otherwise, you can continue in the relationship, but you should not expect happiness because you're agreeing to his terms, which seem to be that you do everything for him and he does nothing for you.





You'll be happier alone than with someone who makes you miserable and who does not make you the number one priority in his life -- which is where a husband should put his wife.This is bad. Please help with advice.
id pray


get a therapist


ask him why? and that you want to stay with him


make sure he's not sneekn 'round w/ his ex


ill be prayn'


God bless
It`s time for you to say so long, fairwell, whether you like it or not. Just probe into the animal`s world, there are no space or territory for two tigers in one hill or mountain unless it`s mating season.


I`m sorry to put it that way. Do you want to be the second best? It`s not selfish to do something that benefits yourself.
I am sorry for your pain and frustration. I would never marry a man with children from a previous marriage for that reason. He married you and took vows with you. He should have either stayed divorced or married another woman with children. Then, he would know what it feels like to have her put her children and exhusband ahead of him. He had nothing to offer you whatsoever. Just excess baggage he should have left at the airport. Many men marry a childfree woman the 2nd time around, so they can pull that crap. You didn't know better. You thought he would grow with you and away from them gradually. But, children and ex wives have a strong bond that lasts until eternity. I know you feel so much anger and hurt for all of the time and feelings that were invested by you in your marraige. He didn't reciprocate. Not at the level you needed him to. But, he did you a favor. You don't need him. You are young, You have no children to tie you down. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do whatever you want. Eventually, you will meet a man who will appreciate you and out your needs first. Treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You need a man with no children and who will make time for you. Sometimes, we have to fold our cards and wait for the next hand. You are not alone. You can maybe find other woman in simlilar situations. Talk to them and get things off of your chest. Then, make plans for a weekend getaway. Enjoy yourself and good luck!
I think things have backfired a little bit for you.


When you married him, you had to have known that his ex wife was going to be an obstacle you would have to deal with in your marriage, and you married him anyway.


You have been threatening him with divorce for some time now, using that to try to control him.


That just blew up in your face.


There are 2 sides to every story, and I haven't heard his. But from what information you have given in your question, I can only surmise what I just said in you using the divorce threat as a tool of control.


At least he is finally honest with you about how he feels.


Would you rather he went on vacation with you and faked it the whole time?


Acted the way you wanted him to act instead of how he feels?


Maybe the ex is a problem, but you took on that challenge when you married him.


To me, as soon as one person starts throwing around divorce threats, the marriage is over. PERIOD.


';For better or worse, for richer or poorer, until death do us part.';






Previous posts have offered great advice.





Hire at lawyer - fast, stay calm and go to a therapist to help you navigate the upcoming continued emotionally rough times.





Stay strong and move on. This man is an emotional mess and not worth your energy, girl.
Sounds you have tried everything BUT the one thing that can fix ALL the problems. God can fix the marriage and you two be in love like you never thought possible. I know, I know, you have heard this, but have you seriously got down on your knees and ask the Lord God almighty that you are at the ends of the rope and need his help? I done been there done did it until I was at the end and was going crazy. I fell to my knees in tears and asked God to help me and trusting he heard me and believing he is going to fix everything. Well you know what? HE DID !!


You sound like you have done more than required in any marriage. I promise God will turn the table and set you free heart, mind, body and soul if only you ask him to do so. Remember I said I done been there done did it? Well God took me right out of that marriage, because I was the one crying to God. OOOP's you may think God doesn't agree to divorce or separation etc. God doesn't want you to be in pain like you are now and especially be abused and YOU crying out to God for help. I am married now and I swear I never in my entire life thought I could be this happy, and its all because I asked God to clear my heart and help me. I know it may sound strange a man being abused by a wife but it happens all the time it was a mental thing anyway this is for you not me. You seem to have a good heart and yes I understand the ex and step-children been there too. Please find a private place and simply ask the Lord to help you. First ask him to forgive you of any wrong things and THEN ask him to help you. God is such a loving God and will help you thru things that you never thought could be done. The Bible says ';we recieve not because we ask not'; that one simple sentence in the Bible that Jesus said is the pure fact !! The Bible also says also, ';first seek the kingdom of God and all these things will be added onto you'; Also God goes the extra mile when we are serious. Not only will he fix your problems he will add more wonderful things in your life...........God bless you......
What did you do with the plane tickets?
You sound like you blame all this on the ex. All I have to say is everybody has their part in this. She has her part. Your husband has his part for encouraging any behavior of hers that may be wrong. And you have your part in either allowing it or being insecure and jealous when it is not warranted or too judgemental.





You need to be honest with yourself completely, first of all. Then, let your husband know that your are willing to completely listen to his side and hear him out before saying anything in reply. And thirdly, this is between him and you- not his ex.





And if when being totally honest with yourself, you truly feel your insecurity regarding his ex is warranted, then let that be out in the open and insist that it is dealt with or there will be an ultimatum. You cannot change anybody only yourself. If he wants to leave you and does not want to meet you half way, then if you truly love him, then you must let him go. Perhaps he wants to get back with his ex. Who knows?? I'm only going on what you have said here.





Oh and if you have kids together and they are under 12, you must make him sign an affidavit prior to the divorce that is to your liking. If I were you, knowing what I know now about our crooked court system, and ai had a good feeling we might get divorced, I would get a separate bank account NOW and start saving as much as I could for the divorce. Divorces can be cheap or they can be very costly, expecially if you have kids. And trust me. The ones who will suffer most are the kids.





And this is not legal advice. It is just my opinion from my own unfortunate experiences that in a way I would like to have never known. ;)





I also see some people suggest seeing a therapist. Especially if a divorce may be in your future, I do believe seeing a therapist would be a mistake. Your records are ';confidential';, true, but only to everybody except the lawyer he will hire and the judge and family counselor. You also, will not be allowed to have a copy of your own file unless you go through proper channels and they will make it VERY difficult for you.





If you need some sort of therapy to help deal with this, in my experience, the best help I have seen came from support groups where things that are said in confidence, stays in confidence, for the most part and files are never kept. The other way you just have way too much big brother breathing down your neck.
Your only mistake was ';threatening divorce';. You should never make threats or give ultimatums that you don't think in your heart you can go through with. You have threatened him so many times and not followed through and he unfortunately is aware of this. You lost your leverage. You have to decide if you want to continue a marriage with someone who treats you this way. The next time he hears divorce from you should be when your attorney serves him papers. Say what you mean and do what you say.
Well firstly from what you have said, you have done nothing wrong. In fact, you took a lot of crap and I admire you for trying to make your marriage work.


I obviously don't know you, so can't give you any personal advice but as a general rule here I think you shouldn't waste too many tears on this guy. Someone who would do that to you is not worth you suffering. Obviously mourn the relationship and take some time out but don't show that to him.


Also, as hard as it may seem, try and be amicable whilst getting your points across when it come to the end. Being calm and rational, or at least appearing to be, will make him look the fool when he starts firing up. Fight fire with water, and move on and find someone worth you're energy and willingness, don't let him take that away and ruin your trust, as there is someone out there worth the world, I promise.


Hope this helps and GOOD LUCK xx
OK....First of all you need to relax on yourself, it is not all your fault!!! You are not a bad person because of this craziness. Life is not fair but it does go on and things will get better, for both of you from the sounds of it.
I hate to say it but you BOTH contributed to the downfall of your marriage. His timing is really bad grant you and it's not right what he did. The problem is that you never threaten divorce until you're serious. People are like children - if you threaten them with punishment but never follow through, they learn that they can get away with murder. For every time that he said he'd work on the marriage but didn't, you should have gotten a clue. Didn't that tell you he's obviously not serious about making it work? You both desperately needed marriage counseling but I understand you can't force him to go. Marriage counseling is only as good as the work the 2 people are willing to put into it. I know it's hard right now but to me it sounds like divorce may actually be the best option. You may be willing to try %26amp; save the marriage but it takes TWO to make it work. By his actions, he's shown very clearly through the years that he's NOT willing to put in the world that it takes to bring your marriage back from the brink. It's time to walk away.
Wow thats pretty bad. Maybe he doesn't want to go on vacation with you..that seems odd that he would choose now as the time to x out of all the plans and get a divorce. Maybe he just thought about it and realized he didn't want this situation anymore. I know it hurts but if he's serious that its over, and you've threatened divorce many times in the past, just let it be over and you will heal in time. It doesn't sound like you've had a very happy eleven years with this man anyway.
If he won't go to counseling with you, go by yourself. Some men feel better by making others feel worse, I think you are married to one of those. You will never come before his children, that's a fact, but this ex wife has you both going crazy. You don't have to go anywhere to be alone. Make a romantic dinner, light some candles, have some wine, see where I am going with this?
Well from your words you said ';Marriage counseling was suggested but my husband let that slide';...It seems like you are asking him to set this up and it is his fault that it did not happen!!!??? I think that you put a lot of this kind of burden on his shoulders. The day of the vacation you kept this sheet in his face and he blew up 'cause he can't take your stuff anymore. You must have said something to set him off...It sounds like you are nag and push a lot of the responsibility on him while you could be actively doing some of it. I don't believe in counceling but it works on some people. Are there any statistics to prove or disprove their adequacy? I've never checked. I suggest that before you say anything about counceling that you do some homework to see how effective it is and who has a good reputation for success...Take Care
As hard as it is, go on the vacation without him. Give yourself some time and see if you really want to stay in this relationship. Some times letting go is harder than staying. Ok not some times, all the time. Staying in the relationship is the easy part. Making yourself happy will be the hard part. No one can give you advice on what to do and even if we tried, you will do what you need to do. Just look into your heart and let it guide you. Seek out the one and only and ask him to help guide you in the direction you need to be on. Good luck and I wish you all the best.
Time to see a lawyer. You can, and should, do better.
Was he divorced when you two started dating? If he was still married then you've pretty much gotten what you deserved. If not, than it sounds like he's done you quite a favor. Take the trip by yourself and go meet a decent appreciative man! It sounds to me like you'd be a lot happier on your own.
I dealt with the same thing w/ my H and his ex %26amp; kids. The only reason it's working now is b/c the ex lost her rights to the kids and she's not in our life. That doesn't seem like an option here. What your H did is really crappy!!! Still, on what you've said alone, it doesn't seem like all hope is lost. Let him cool off and then ask him to go to counseling with you. Never bring up the D word unless you truly intend to go through with it.
you cant do anything about the things he says and does, the only person you can control is you. Take the high road and proceed with a divorce and stop being the ';good guy';.